In My Parenting Toolbox

When I was pregnant, I did a lot of imagining about what parenting would be like...the easy parts, the hard parts, the fun and the not-so-fun (Looking back on those naive imaginings, I have to laugh at myself because I realize now I had NO IDEA). The part about teaching a little person how to feel her emotions, how to name them, and how to deal with them appropriately never crossed my mind. I would venture to say that it's not a skill that many parents in the world think much about or choose to put at the top of their parenting priority list. A glance at the evening news or the headlines of the newspaper is proof that dealing appropriately with our emotions takes practice and the human race needs more practice. Schools do the best they can at teaching kids about their feelings and how to handle them in a way that is healthy for the individual and the community as a whole, but what about those years before school? I think I've written before that I had a therapist who likened parenthood to the job of a wild animal tamer. At the most basic level, I agree. Not only have I had to teach Liza to eat like a civilized person at the table with utensils, but it's also my job to teach her that anger is okay, but throwing things is not. Screaming in my face with frustration is not appropriate, walking away and counting to ten might help. Punching a pillow in her room is an option, but pushing the dog is not. Feeling scared is normal too, and talking about it helps. So does curling up someplace cozy and hugging her favorite stuffed elephant. We all feel sad sometimes and drawing a picture of our sadness helps us let go of some of it. Seems like common sense, but I tend to misplace my sense in the tenser moments of parenting.

My sister gifted Liza and me with a collection of books a couple years ago called The Way I Feel Books by Cornelia Spelman. These have been extremely helpful to me in parenting Liza along her emotional journey. At the height of toddlerhood, we read "When I Feel Angry" a lot. Recently we've been using "When I Feel Scared" for nighttime fears and "When I Miss You" for a bout of separation anxiety. The stories touch on all the usual situations that a young child faces. The words are simple and straightforward and along with the colorful illustrations provide lots of room for discussion. Perhaps my favorite detail is how Spelman describes the feelings so concretely. "Scared is a cold, tight feeling." It is, don't you agree?! "Anger is a strong, hot feeling." Yes! That's how it feels to me.

Parenting is hard. Emotions are messy and confusing. But, I feel like I owe it to Liza (and the communities she'll be a part of) to help her learn to navigate them appropriately. I'm certainly not an expert (I'm still growing in my own emotional journey even at 36), but I choose to keep showing up and working at it. Thankfully, we have these awesome books to guide us.